It’s OK to be a Bad Christian

Got this from Rockwell of Stephen Speaks’ MySpace blog. This morning I went into some reminiscing session with my friend Chris about the songs/bands that we like and Stephen Speaks was one of those that got mentioned because we are both big fans of the former group. So when I got home, I turned the computer on and listened to some of my Stephen Speaks mp3s while watching football (yes, I know, weird combination). Anyhoo, when I got to work I went to their website where I haven’t been to in the loooongessst time, considering I used to go there like every 2 hours per day when they were still really big here. And I don’t regret that, I got to meet a lot of real nice people, and that’s not only limited to the band members. But I digress, I really want to talk about what was written in Rockwell’s blog.

My Christian life is something I refuse to talk about, even to myself, maybe because I am not particularly proud of it. I used to be one those what other people call as a “chuch goer”, back in those days when Sunday school was really fun, and also Vacation Bible school during summer, Friday night Bible studies, even concerts. I totally loved it. Those were during my grade school days. When I got to high school, I had less time for church activities mainly coz of the heavy school load. I couldn’t not take care of my studies first or else I would flunk high school, and it wasn’t just a normal high school, it was a Science High School so the pressure was really on.

Come college years, that’s when things got screwed up. My college alma mater is known for it’s Catholic teachings, we were run by a priest, I had priests too as professors on some of my subjects, I was surrounded by Catholic chapels, Catholic friends, and I took 5 subjects of Theology based on Catholic teachings. And I had the hardest time switching from a Catholic world where I spend 5 or 6 days of my week and the Christian world every Sunday. I decided then on that religion is not important, it’s the relationship I have with God that has more bearing. So I go to a church when I feel like going to a real peaceful place where I can just talk to the Big Guy up there when I want to, but I generally thought of myself as a really apathetic Christian, coz I don’t go to church anymore, hardly have time to read the Bible, or even have my quiet times.

And I am not proud of that at all. It took a lotta guts for me to write about it here now. I guess its something that has been a nagging personal issue of mine that I refuse to deal with for the longest time. And seriously, I want to do something about it, I just don’t know how. First off, I want to find a new church, or go to a new church, not because I hate the people at our old church, but more of because I want to start anew. These people who I would see at our old church are the same people I have been with since I was a kid, they saw me grow up, and maybe it’d be better if I’d be with newer faces. Thing is, I don’t know how, with this crazy schedule that I keep.

But, I was really blessed with what Rockwell said that it’s ok to be a bad Christian, what’s important is you try to be better. It’s easy to be a Christian, but it’s not easy to be a functioning Christian, much more a good one. It takes a lot of effort, a lot of time, a lot of commitment, and more importantly, a lot of prayers. And it’s ok to fail, because no one is good at something overnight. So now, I am at peace with being a “Bad Christian”, at least i don’t plan on being that way forever.

On Office Relationships

A teammate of mine recently broke up with her boyfriend who works in the same company as ours. Although it was she who broke up with the guy, the fact that they work for the same company, pretty much work the same hours, and in the same floor will surely make things hard for both of them. And it reminds me of how scary it can be to be involved with someone who’s just so near.

I remember that in my last serious relationship, which was way back in college, we didn’t go to the same school but we pretty much saw each other everyday, talked everyday, texted everyday, phoned everyday, he was practically “there” everyday. When we broke up, apart from the occasional moments of me missing him being around and/or me being with someone, more often than not I felt liberated to be able to do things on my own again. I guess it’s a case-to-case basis too of how the relationship went, but since then, I really don’t want a guy who’s just too easily within reach.

I don’t want him seeing me just by looking up from his computer monitor or desk. Don’t want him passing by my station on the way to the pantry, the washroom, or the yosi area. Don’t want him having to report every detail of his life, where he is, who is he with, what is he doing, who is beside him, what clothes he’s wearing, what he ate for lunch, dinner or breakfast, how many sticks he’s smoked, who he talked to, and who he texted, emailed, chatted with. And vice versa. I don’t want having to report what I have done for the day, who am I with, what I wore to a party, etcetera, etcetera. For me, it’s not healthy being that way with a SO, just coz he’s not my husband, at least NOT YET. We don’t share the same bed at night (or whatever time it is that we sleep), we don’t live in the same house, and he has no right yet to use my pillows, that kinda thing.

What’s funny is, I am seriously crushing on a guy from work. And although I at first so resented the fact that they got transferred to a different floor that I don’t get to see him no more, in a way, the “absence” has helped us get to know each other better. I don’t wanna be so assuming that we will end up together (although of course it is something I would love to happen), but knowing what’s happening to my teammate was in a way, some kind of a wake up call. That hey, that can happen, people will talk, friends will take sides, both party’s work will get affected, one way or another.

Makes me wonder, do I like my crush that much to risk something like that? And surprisingly, my answer is a resounding YES. Shux, I just need to get him to ask me out.

La Mesa Eco Park Experience

I have been bugging my parents for the longest time for us to have a Family Day aka Picnic Day at the La Mesa Eco Park in East Fairview, Quezon City. Since I moved to the GY shift, I found myself having time for actual newspaper reading every morning when I arrive home from work. And I think it was through one of those news articles that I came across reading about the said park. I wanted to check it out because it sounds sooo near and it sounds nice too.

So I planned for us to go there Friday, November 4, since it’s a holiday and my rest day as well so we are all free. Plus, I wanted it to serve as my make-up day for having to work during the All Saints’ Day holidays. But come Thursday night, my Dad said that he has to work the following day, thus all our plans for the picnic became useless. I felt kinda sad but told myself I can just spend the day in a different way since Dad had to work. Me and my sibs even went out late Thursday evening (around 11pm) to grab coffee and we also drove around Manila until 1am. I felt sleepy around 3am so I went to bed, but I guess my body has just been so used to sleeping during the day, I ended up sleeping at 6am, also becoz my sis Bonzai kept on chatting me up.

Around 9:30am, my Mom woke us up and told us Dad’s work got cancelled at the last minute and asked if we still wanted to push through with going to the Park that day. Hell yeah! So with 3-hours worth of shut-eye, we left home around 10am with a blanket and a cooler in our compartment. While we were dressing up, my Mom called my cousins who live nearby and asked if they wanted to come, so our first stop was at their house where we picked up Ate Ria, Dimple and our niece Chelly, and also my Tito June. We then stopped by Ever Commonwealth to buy lunch, snacks, drinks and pizza to bring to the park.

I thought that going there would be quite a long drive, I know it sounded near, but it’s the La Mesa Dam, how can it be so near the city. But no, a good 20 mins after leaving Ever, we were already there. It was so easy to find because there were very helpful road signs on how to go there. In a way, the La Mesa Dam kinda reminded me of Pantabangan Dam in Nueva Ecija, only it was way smaller, I can’t imagine how it supplies water to the whole of Metro Manila, with so many people living in the city. It was funny that they didn’t allow picture/video taking in the dam itself, and when I asked my Dad why, he said it was to prevent bombs to be planted. Okay.

We then reached the parking lot and it was funny coz we thought that the park itself was just straight ahead. It’s a good thing some of the workers stopped us and asked where we were going and when we said to the park, they told us we are already way passed it. But since we were already in that area, they told us to check out the nearby boating area, which is a real beauty if you ask me, with the water so clear and all. It was green too, meaning it’s very deep. I wanted to try boating but when I saw that it was a paddle-your-own boat kinda thing, with no life jackets, I decided against it. So we then trotted to the park itself. The park charges 40bux per person as entrance fee, good until 6pm. In the park there are tables that is a free-for-all kinda thing, just go where it’s free and that’s where you can stay for the rest of the day. We arrived there late so we were a bit worried there won’t be any more tables left, and also because much to our surprise, there were quite a lot of people. Our blanket deemed useless because it rained a bit before we could get there. Yes, it always has to rain when I’m out. But luckily, we found an empty table and had our lunch right away.

The park itself is not that spectacular, but if you consider the fact that you’re still in QC with all those greens surrounding you, it’s not so bad after all. It still needs a lot of development but it looks promising nonetheless. My Tito June commented that it kinda feels like being in Camp John Hay in Baguio only it’s not cold. I walked around with my Dad after lunch and we toured the orchidarium which has lots of orchid plants but none are in bloom. We stayed there until 4pm maybe, just ate and chit-chatted and took pictures and bought souvenirs before leaving.

Before heading home, we stopped by UP and ate fishballs, and I was so glad to have found the fishball stand we used to frequent when I was still in college. They have the best fishball sauce in the whole UP, I swear! I was sooo sleepy after that I slept from 6pm to 8am the following day, 14 hours straight!

I enjoyed my weekend, thank you Lord.

Mass Update

Tagaytay with Family Last Week

I know, this is a real late update, but you will understand why later. Just wanted to document here that after such a long time, my family went on a roadtrip to Tagaytay last Saturday, to celebrate my brother Butzy and my mom’s birthdays.

We spent the day there in a leisurely pace, woke up quite late too but reached the place just in time for lunch. I originally made reservations for Sonya’s Garden but when I told my family that we would be eating an all-organic meal, Dad opted go eat some place else because he said he wants to eat bulalo. So we ended up eating at Josephine’s, which worked to my advantage because meal was sumptuous, and a lot cheaper had we eaten at Sonya’s. After lunch we drove around some more, went to People’s Park in the Sky, bought halo-halo in a box in Good Shepherd’s convent among many other things (yes, it’s pretty much the same as the one in Bagiuo), then we bought plants coz I fell in love with these plants that have small blue flowers growing in clusters, which we later learned are called “milflores” or million flowers. After that, we checked out this coffee shop that I read about online, called the Bag of Beans. I noticed that in Tagaytay, they like converting gardens with greenhouses into restaurants or coffee shops, as this is the setting of the cafe. We originally went inside the shop where you can buy coffee and their other pastries, and found it insanely small that I couldn’t help but ask “is this it?”. Hehehe. Then they showed us the path that goes down to the garden and voila, there was the coffeeshop. I was uber perky after that merienda because of course, I drank their special blend brewed coffee, and I must say it helped drown the headache I was nursing even before lunch started. It was late in the afternoon by then so after buying flowers and fruits, we headed back home. About 30 minutes before reaching home, my little sister Bonzai got sick. She started throwing up and we all think it’s because of that drink she had, called the Frozen Hot Choco. Pangalan pa lang dubious na. Hehe. She got better the following day ‘though so all’s well that ends well. Im glad I got to spend that day with my family in that way, before I go back to the GY shift.

Back to Working Nights

So I was back to working nights last Sunday, October 2. My first night was quite a breeze, got to go home early even. But wow, come Monday night, we were just swamped! Such a bummer. Some of us in the team got promoted already, and two of them were supposed to be in our shift. So we already lack two, and we feel its such negative effect every night. We have one new person coming in though, but we still lack one more. In a way I am thankful that my rest days are weekdays, because it’s hella busy when its a normal day, or night in our case. Hay. I totally hate it.

So far, my sleep is ok, although I tend to wake up every couple of hours, but I still fall back to slumber more often that not so it’s ok. I’m still able to complete the 8 hrs of sleep I need to last the night but I kinda feel sick, and I would like to think it’s only because I’m still adjusting. Come my restdays last Tuesday and Wednesday, my mood has gone haywire, because my body clock was all messed up. Didn’t know when should I be sleeping and when I shouldn’t. Badtrip.

Moving Out Updates

Well I am still living at home, I still travel almost an hour to work and I’m still spending way too much on my cab fares. Hopefully though, we will move in this month, as long as things fall into their right places. Still keeping my fingers crossed.

I Miss my Crush

Haha! Wala lang, just wanted to add it here coz I haven’t seen him for the longest time. It’s so baffling that we work in the same building, and even work in some common hours and we don’t bump into each other at the least. Hay. Frustrating.

One More Frustration

I can’t seem to write. Something is wrong. On my idle moments I still have thoughts of what I should write about, thoughts that I wanna write about, but when I face the computer, I can’t write anything. Bakit kaya.

Smart Aleck Winner Abu

Last night, I went to visit my cousin’s house and look at Chelly my baby who has grown fatter after about 10 days. My Ate Ria also gladly told me that one of our younger cousins, Abu, won in a Math Quiz Bee.

When I heard the news, I thought she was just joking. I then played with Chelly for 10 minutes more then asked again, “hindi nga? nanalo si Abu?!”

Abu is our 4-year old cousin who was born when he was only 7 months old in his mom’s womb. My aunt almost died during that delivery. He was a pahabol Millenium Baby, born December 2000 when he was expected by the whole family two months later.

They say, that if a baby is not able to complete the whole 9 months of pregnancy in the womb, it’s either he/she is born with defects, be it physical or mental. Or, its the other extreme end of the rope, meaning, the child will be super smart. And I seriously think Abu was one of the latter. His real name is Joash Aleck, with me picking the Aleck part, from the expression “smart aleck”. I know that phrase is kinda negative sounding, but I wanted to give its definition a new twist. For some weird reason though, Abu has lived up to his name, he is literally a smart aleck, even at a young age of 4.

Why do I say that? Well, for starters, Abu never baby talked. I never heard him say a bulol word in his life. It was like he woke up one day and he can talk, straight, like a 7 year old kid. He’s a bit of a spoiled brat too, and when he doesnt get what he wants, you can expect to hear something really creative from him. Like there was this one time when my grandparents had a so-called fight, and my Lola jokingly told Abu that my Lolo is asking her to leave the house and go back to their old house. To which Abu responded to by walking up to our Lolo with arms folded asking “bakit mo pinapalayas si Nanay? alam mo na ngang luma na ang bahay nila dun!”. Imagine a 4-year old saying that to a 76-yr old man. Unbelievable. Moreso, to end the story off, when they happened to pass by that “old house” of my Lola, and my Tita (Abu’s mom) pointed it out to him, as soon as they reached home he immediately ran to my Lola and said “Nanay (we call our Lola, Nanay), eh pwede pa naman pala yung bahay niyo eh!”

All these and more, we talked his mom into entering him in school a bit earlier than expected. So at 3 yrs old, Abu is already in Nursery school (like me!). Of course, him being the youngest and smallest in the class, he didn’t necessarily take school seriously yet. But a year after, now that he’s in Kindergarten I, Abu seems to be stepping up, starting with being the 11th in his class. Not much of an achievement right, but we were told he is particularly good in Math, thus the Quiz Bee.

According to my aunt, when she was trying to prepare Abu for that contest, Abu won’t cooperate so it was such a surprise that the little boy won. My sister Bonzai talked to her on the phone and he proudly told her he won, but with a mistake in the Easy round. Then my sister asked him “champion ka ba?”, to which he immediately retorted back “hindi! WINNER ako! WINNER!” Hahaha. Smart aleck talaga.

On Losing a Fight

My guy best friend Ole lost in his latest tournament in Turkey last Saturday. Real sad. When I met him maybe 4 years ago, he was then a young professional kickboxer dreaming of going to Thailand and be famous. Now, he lives in Thailand and is famous, at least in the European kickboxing world, and he’s still the same modest guy that he’s always been to me.

I’ve never had the chance of watching him live but I’ve been with him “in spirit” in quite a number of his past fights. Each one is different, some he feels confident, some he’s not sure, but each and every time, I always remind him that in a fight, one emerges as the winner, the other as the loser. In every fight, he has a 50% chance of being either of the two. I know he knows that, but I remind him anyways.

It’s fun when he wins, especially after a fight, when I start to read commentaries about his performance in kickboxing forums. I feel really proud when I read very good reviews about his fights, and how he performed. It’s even better when I get to see video clips of his fight. Even if I already know he won, I end up jumping up and down and clapping my hands like it’s a live video feed.

I’ve never heard Ole brag about his achievements in kickboxing. Never can I remember him being boastful whenever he wins a fight. Many people who have followed his career look up to him because he has remained grounded. He’s famous, but none of that every got to his head. That is why, it’s harder when he loses in a fight because, if he would just chuckle whenever I say he must be really good to have won, to have all these fans, or to be that famous, his reaction is the opposite when he loses. I guess it’s because we’re that close, to me, he doesn’t mind sharing his feelings. Like he just got back from Turkey and immediately went online, and openly admitted to me that he’s sad about his latest loss. And I know it was even harder for him on that fight because his opponent was Turkish, and hearing all those people cheering for your opponent makes it hard to concentrate. Ole has always been like that. He once felt so bad when he went sparring with a Filipino guy because according to him, the guys family was there cheering, and he felt like the evil white guy. And that was just a small crowd, how much more a whole arena of people cheering for the other guy.

On occasions like that, I totally don’t know what to say. It’s easy congratulating him for a job well done, but it’s the hardest comforting him over a loss. To me, he is always a winner because I know he puts his heart in every fight. He risks his life, his health, his everything. I know that with this last fight, he had an injury with his shin that he decided not to be operated on because it meant he would miss the tournament in Turkey. I remember him saying, “I’d rather hurt during the fight than not fight at all”. And I know for a fact that it’s not the first time he fought not feeling 100% well. It’s harder when he breaks something after a fight. I remember he once broke a rib after a fight and scared the hell out of me. He has also been knocked out once and was out for a couple of seconds, minutes maybe, that when he came back he could hardly remember where he was.

My boy has been through a lot, and I really hope he gets over this recent loss very fast. Like I always tell him, I still think he’s the best coz that’s what a #1 fan would think and feel, no matter what, even when he’s already a retired fighter, which is happening soon. I wish that someday I could watch him fight live and cheer my heart out for him. He’s always told me he thinks he doesn’t want me to see him fight coz I might end up puking in the corner if I see blood from his face. But what the hell, I will not care even if I end up fainting.

So for mah boy: “May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.” You’re still the best!

Current Frustrations

Bored na ako sa work ko. I still have a relatively heavy workload but I feel that there is nothing new that I encounter anymore. I go to work and feel no excitement, coz I have nothing to look forward to. In fairness though, I have yet to reach the point where I don’t wanna go to the office, I still have the drive to go to the office everyday but I feel it’s more of due to the obligation and not the willingness. With this kind of feelings about work I know it’s time for me to move on, but I’m stuck in my position coz of some stupid technical case that I’m paying for by being banned from applying for promotion. Malapit na talaga akong umabot sa point of boredom, and that’s really scary. I get pretty nasty when I’m bored. Sana February na para pwede na akong mag-apply at the least.

Hindi pa rin ako makalipat. I think every morning na lang, while inside the taxi that will take me to the office, lagi kong nasasabi sa sarili ko na ang layo ng office ko. Considering I travel when it’s really not traffic yet, travel is a breeze, and I still find my office too far from home. We were supposed to move in na this weekend, but one of my supposed flatmate’s mom died, and I really think she’s gonna pull out her money and not rent the room anymore. And it just screwed everything up, coz we’ve already paid half, and now we have to look for a new person who will rent the room, which is soooo hard. Hay. One setback after another. Sometimes I think that unit is not for us, but if we don’t move in there, where? And if not soon, when?

Pera. Well I know hindi lang naman ako ang frustrated sa pera, I think every Filipino is, but sometimes, sometimes lang naman, I wish I have more money. Or I wish we still have a lot of money, like before. If I could turn back time, I would’ve asked money from my parents back when they still had a lot of extra and invested it in a business, baka by now I’ve already paid back and still earning. Or I would’ve gone overseas, when we still had show money. It’s not like super hirap ng money but I guess as human, sometimes I wish I have more. Lalo na pag hindi binayaran ng Finance ang OT ko, or that SSS loan I wanted is not working out, that kinda stuff.

Lovelife. I know you know I’d write about this. Haha. Well lately I hear myself blurting out a lot more often that “gusto ko na ng boyfriend.” Depending on who I’m talkin to, some would just chuckle, others would laugh, others would agree yeah I should have a new one, some would be deadma, and others would say “ano ka ba, i-enjoy mo ang pagiging single.” Uhm, I think ilang taon na akong nag-eenjoy? Ibang klaseng enjoy naman ang gusto ko.

My crush. Yes, frustrated ako sa kanya coz he’s so hard to read. I think I’m partly to blame coz I listen to so many stories/opinions of other people about him than me finding those out for myself. Thing is, I am so much discouraged by his seemingly lack of interest in me. But I observed lately, that he never made me feel like he doesn’t wanna talk to me when I try to. He’s just not the type who opens up conversations, and to accuse that as a crime to him might be too harsh. And so, I’m trying to look at the brighter side of things when I talk to him. I try to enjoy the bits and pieces of him that he slowly shares and shows to me. And what can I say, I still like them all, kahit minsan hindi ko masakyan ang humor, kahit minsan hindi ko ma-take ang ka-conio-han, keri pa rin! Kahit papano he makes me happy, ok na ako dun for now.

My bestfriends. Oh yes, prinoproblema ko sila pareho these days. Ole and Kay. Kay is really lost with her career path lately, and it makes me wonder if she felt as bad when I was the one who kept on changing jobs. So she’s not ok with her current job and wants out, thing is she wants to go back to the company she left for this company. Which I think is not a very good move. You don’t go back to something you decided to let go. But, I’m one example of a person who went back to a company I previously resigned from. But, I am also a different case. And our company has a way different culture from her last company. I’ve had my share of Pinoy way of running a company, and sad to say, it sucks. People talk behind your back, people who don’t deserve to be there are there coz they are relatives with someone from management, your boss is actually someone who knows nothing, etc, etc. So, wala akong masabi, in short. Wala akong ma-advise, or I’m just afraid that what I’d say might hurt her. Ewan ko ba. All I know is I told her she shouldn’t go back.

As for Ole, well, I’m just frustrated about him not getting the kind of attention he’s hoping for in the Philippine sports scene. Right now he is in Turkey for a kickboxing tournament, and I wish people here in Pinas would see how he’s treated in Europe, like a superstar. He has cameras following him wherever he goes, interviews, pictorials, etc. And Pinas is literally snobbing him when all the guy wants is to represent the country in SEA Games. This guy went to Pinas to get recognized as a Pinoy, willingly left his gym management in Thailand to the care of other people, used his own money for airfare, food, etc, did not complain, and he still didn’t get anything out of it. I guess it’s more of naaawa ako, coz his intentions are really noble, and people here don’t seem to see that. And I can’t do anything to help, except keep on encouraging him whenever he feels down. I just feel he deserves a lot better treatment, kahit not as much as what he gets in Europe, at least make the guy feel welcome.

And lastly, I’m frustrated about the upcoming holidays. Ayoko ng gastos, ayoko ng Christmas traffic, ayoko ng last minute shopping which I will most probably do, at ayoko ng Christmas parties tapos wala na naman akong partner. Hmph.

Hindi na ako napapasaya ng ice cream araw-araw ha.

Weekend with the People I Love

Last Saturday night, despite a real bad headache, I went to meet up with my chatfriends to celebrate our third anniversary as a group. It’s no secret that I used to be a major chatter way back in 2001 and I frequented this particular room in Yahoo Chat, where the other chatters are mostly in Pinas too. After a couple of months of seeing each other almost everyday, we decided to meet up and it was repeated many times over the years. Now, I don’t get to chat that often, well more of not at all, but I’ve kept in touch with many of them, and these were the people I was with last Saturday night.

I meant to stay until 10pm only, just wanted to show myself and say goodnight, but when I was there I felt like I missed them all. We were a small group of 10, compared to about a 100 official members of the group. And it was real fun talking about our past EBs, what happened, what we did, we talked a lot about the other members. It was a fun night of reminiscing over food and drinks. We had to go home around 1am because my sis has class that morning but I really had fun. Those were people who I can really consider as friends. And without noticing it, my headache disappeared as well. It’s very good therapy to be with friends.

Come Sunday morning, the whole family climbed inside the family car and travelled to Nueva Ecija for my grandfather’s 77th birthday party. I have work on Sundays but yesterday was just a day I couldn’t miss to be with my family because it’s my Tatay’s bday (I’m a lolo’s girl) and I was last there during May. So it has been almost 4months. Way too long.

We arrived shortly before lunch so we immediately ate after kissing and greeting everyone. I was so surprised to see my niece Kachu to have grown so tall in four months. I feel like she grew up by abt 6 inches. Some of the kids didn’t change much but it felt real great to see them again and get to hug them, and kiss them, take their pictures, etc. I fell asleep almost right after lunch, haha, at my grandparents’ room which is my favorite room of the house. It’s the only bedroom in the first floor and it’s the coziest place ever. When I woke up after about two hours we sang Happy Birthday to Tatay and ate again. Life in the province is like that, eat, rest, eat, rest, eat, eat, eat, eat.

Woke up with an aching body by Monday and I know its because of too much carrying of the babies. But it was well worth it. I will hopefully be home again by Christmas, which is three months from now. Wonder how tall Kachu will be by then.

Financial Pressures

I remember back in college, I was probably the most eager to graduate. When all of my friends wanted to extend their stay in school as long as they can, when everyone else was scared of stepping into the “real world”, I was excited. I guess it’s but normal if you started going to school at the age of 3, like me. By the time I reached college, I feel I have spent way too much time and almost my whole life studying that I just can’t wait but get over it.

Finish school, find a job, work, and have my own money. Although I didn’t make such grandiose plans for myself like I need to earn my first million at age X or I have to be in X position by age X, I just wanted to stop asking from my parents for everything. I feel they’ve done more than enough, it’s time I make it on my own. True to my plans, I worked a month after graduation. I actually had a job offer even before graduation but I told them to wait until I graduate. It was cool to have my own money, but I also learned thereafter that I don’t really just work for money so I went from one job after another until I got satisfied.

My parents told me when I started working, “ok lang kahit hindi ka na magbigay, wag ka na lang manghingi”. Although I wasn’t really able to follow that all the time, especially when I’m switching jobs, I mostly spent for myself, bought my own clothes, paid my own bills, etc.

So now I’m moving out. And I’m scared as hell. First of all I didn’t realize it’s so hard to raise money for my own downpayment. I scraped as much as I can and I’m scared of the future financial issues I will be facing for sure. I haven’t even moved in yet and I’m already having a headache. Makes me wonder if I’m doing the right thing or not.

Yoko na maging adult. Ang hirap. Now I know why my friends didn’t wanna leave school at first.

Back to Driving Basics and More

It must be because I’ve been riding in a car with my best friend behind the wheel, so two nights ago, over nothing, I tried driving again. It has been probably a year since I last sat behind the wheel and I completely believed that I might have forgotten whatever driving skills I used to have. But, as my brother told me “it’s like riding a bike, you never forget it.” So to prove (or disprove) that, I suddenly sat in the driver’s seat while my bro was buying something from a store. At first, I couldn’t make the car go forward; I was literally stuck on standstill for maybe 2 minutes. But when it started running, things were pretty ok. So I’m not a smooth driver still, never was, but hey I reached the house and never ako namatayan ng makina. That is something. It’s not like I’m bent on driving outside the village, I just want to practice because who knows I might have to drive one day. But that’s really all up in the air now because I hate driving, especially here in Metro Manila where traffic is just horrifying. Last week I hitched a ride with my best friend Kay from Makati to QC and it took us three hours to reach home. Traffic was so bad that I think we got to the point where we didn’t have anything more to talk about, and I heard a song played three times in the same station. Ganun ka-grabe. And I know how much of a bummer it is to be the driver in a traffic jam, coz I remember my driving instructor made me drive in real narrow roads with heavy traffic, I had cramps after. And if I’m gonna have to experience that everyday, hmmm, nahhh.

My other best friend once suggested to me “why not get a bike instead?” Hahaha. Me in a bike. A very unlikely sight. But on a different note, it is he who is getting a cool bike soon. He showed me photos and it looks real cool and such a beauty. I forgot what they are called but they are supposed to be vintage bikes of Italian model, a Gilera I think. Pretty sweet if you ask me. And yes, Ole has finally raised the white flag and said sorry for our real petty fight a week ago. Haha! So I’m the stronger one. He has gone back to Thailand last night ‘though, to prepare for a tournament fight in Turkey later this month. So why is he getting a bike? No idea. And I’m not supposed to badmouth him about investing on a vintage motorcycle that will stay only in the Philippines even if he’s not a resident of Pinas because he will not let me ride the bike with him if I do. Hey the bike is pretty neat based on the photos and I would wanna try riding that, but only as a passenger. So yeah Ole, the bike is a real investment. I totally love it.

It was weird, when I called him last night while he was waiting for his flight back to Thailand, I felt sad after, even if he promised he’d be back by the end of the month or early October. I really didn’t get to see much of him while he was here, coz he was mainly busy with training or casting and we also had a fight which lasted for about a week. But we kept in touch mostly through text or phone calls. I dunno, I guess it’s much more comforting to know he’s just around. That I can see or talk to him anytime I want to, which is not the case when he is back home in Thailand. I like it that his life is a bit more laid back here in Pinas, whereas when he’s in Thailand, he’s just so busy with the gym. But like he said, “u know I gotta go, coz I need to make money”. So ok, as long as my boy would be back!

Lately I have been sleeping late at night, against my will, and I know that this is because of some guy. Argh. For the longest time I have been so uninterested about men and a couple of weeks back, I found one who is interesting enough to merit my attention. Thing is, he’s not interested in me, I can tell it and I can feel it and that’s such a bummer. I’m starting to think something might be seriously wrong with me and my social skills coz guys are starting to label me as, snobby, masungit, miss stiffness, and God knows what else. And I’m like “huh?”. If you’re not the type who says hi to everyone she sees snob ka na agad? Or don’t I have the right to stay silent during mornings coz my system is not up and running yet, so they can go ahead and call me masungit?

So okay, back to this guy, I swear, it’s not because he’s gwapo, he’s just cute. But as I get to know him better, it’s his totality that draws me near him. He sounds so solid, like he always knows what he’s talking about. And he always has a counterstatement for every rebuttal that I make on his statements. I like it that he’s honest about his past, no matter how ugly it may be. He doesn’t pretend to be this perfect guy and admits his faults and recklessness as a youngster. He has big dreams for himself, which is very important to me when liking a guy. If a guy doesn’t have dreams, he’s bound to reach or achieve nothing. He’s different, and I like that about him because it makes him standout. Most of all, he’s just a natural, no pretenses, what you see is what he is.

But despite all that, I can’t even seem to get him at least interested in me. It’s always me who asks questions, it’s always him making kwento, and me listening. I don’t mind it really, the listening part, but I’m also not manhid to feel hey, this is going one-way. I wanted to think it’s just me being paranoid but I asked a good guy friend, Chris, and he just a matter-of-factly told me “if he doesn’t ask questions, or doesn’t seem to want to know more about you, then by normal guy standards it means he’s not that into you.” Heck I’ve read about that in books and it’s kinda starting to hurt my ego.

I totally don’t need a new guy friend. Puh-leeze.